Arranging joint custody with my siblings
Let’s face it. None of us actually want to look after Mom. I mean, she was very hard on us growing up, taking us to the thrift store when we asked for designer shoes and suggesting we get jobs to help pay for college, but it’s our duty as her children to look after her in her old age. At least, so I’ve read.
That’s why I called this meeting. I’ve already outlined everything that needs to be done. As the eldest and most mature, I’m obviously in the best position to determine what Mom requires.
And what Mom requires is to move out of the home she raised us in, so we can turn a nice profit.
We all know that we can’t put her in a Home. Sure, those places offer full-time care, socialization, and purposeful hobbies, but have you seen the cost of them? She’d burn through that house money in no time.
So here’s my plan.
First of all, Mom clearly can’t live with me. Yes, I’m in a four-bedroom luxury penthouse, but the extra rooms are taken up for my home office, personal gym, and Mitzy, my teacup chihuahua. And since I travel globally as a partner at my firm, that leaves you two. Alice, as a stay-at-home mother, you’re the obvious choice because you have nothing to do when the kids are at school. Besides, Charley, you keep setting fire to every place you live in.
We know that it will cost a bit extra to care for Mom. While she claims it’s for “pain relief”, her weed habit does not come cheap, and stocking Munchos adds up. Alice, we’re giving you the chance to finally make some of your own cash, so half of Mom’s government pension will go to you each month. Charley, I know that you’re going to complain about “being shut out of the money”, but you’re already turning a nice profit as her Mary Jane supplier.
Of course, we’ll all pitch in. I’ll definitely try to call Mom once every third week or so, as long as I’m not too swamped with meetings or spa appointments. The rest of the time, Alice, you’re on your own. You may want to get a bigger car. Your current one may be good enough to get to your volunteer “job” at the food bank twice a week, but Mom’s walker won’t fit into it.
Charley, you won’t be of much use here either, since you set your car on fire.
Now, we do need someone to cover if Alice takes a vacation. Alice, I sincerely trust that never happens, because it would be incredibly selfish of you, but if so, Charley, this is where you come in. You’ll stay at Alice’s house with Mom. And Alice, before you object to Charley’s disgusting habit of clipping his toenails at the kitchen table, remember that he will be doing you a favour. Charley, you just have to keep Mom alive and the house unscorched.
I believe I’ve covered everything, although sadly, we know Mom will eventually get worse. That will be heartbreaking, because we may have to dip into our inheritance to care for her.
Alice, we need you to do your part to keep the estate money in the family. You’re a mother, so you should already know how to do that caregiver stuff. Give her those sippy cup things and buy her some pullups. Throw her in the bathtub with the kids. Get creative for once, this is your real job now.
It feels right that we’re all pulling together like this and I’ve never felt closer to you both. Alice, I’m going to drop Mom at your place tomorrow on my way to the airport. I’m heading to Dubai for the next 9 months. I’ll try to remember to check in when I return.
I mean, obviously, if Mom dies, leave me a message immediately. I’ll certainly rush back to sign the estate papers, and make sure the lawyers have properly calculated my executor fee.
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This piece originally appeared in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket on Medium.