DEAR WEIRDISH:
I’m 26 years old, and I’ve fallen in love for the first time. Of course, I’ve dated many girls, but they’ve all felt so young and the only thing they care about is whether their fake ID will work.
This time, though, it’s different. I’ve found myself a real woman.
I’ve been best friends with Dylan forever, but it wasn’t until his grandpa died that I realized how hot his grandmother is. And I know she’s 87, but nowadays they say age doesn’t matter. We have a May-December-December-December romance. Besides, we grew up knowing each other, like childhood sweethearts, except, of course, only one of us was a child.
I’m worried, however, how to tell Dylan that we’re together. He probably never realized how much of a GILF his grandma is.
You see, Nana is beyond cool. We love to go shuffling and she has amazing stamina, as long as I have her home by 8:30. Her cane gets in the way on the dance floor, but it’s way better than bringing her walker.
Sometimes we just stay home and rifle through old photos. She tells me I remind her of Papa when he was a young man and I let her call me Vernon for the rest of the night.
Once a month she sees a dementia doctor. For now, it’s just a routine visit, and we always go out for dinner afterward. We can usually snag the 3:00 early bird special with Nana’s senior discount.
Then we stroll to the corner store where she buys me a treat.
She’s teaching me to crochet a cover for my guitar case. I doubt she’d like my music, but it’s okay because she can’t hear it anyway. I crank up Metallica in the car, and she just smiles and gazes out the window, a string of drool slightly dampening the front of her polyester blouse.
Her eyesight is not so great either, but it means she doesn’t notice the embarrassing zit that keeps popping up on my right cheek. Not that she’d care anyway, it’s always the left one she pats when she’s pleased with me.
It makes me so horny.
I would never tell Dylan this, but Nana and I have a special signal whenever we want to have sex. She slips her teeth out and puts them in the green glass instead of the red one. Although, she is color blind, which is maybe why she seems startled when I blow out the candle and begin loosening her curlers. But as long as her sleep medication hasn’t kicked in, she’s game. And the things that granny can do with her gums!
Now I get why so many guys my age love mature women. It’s true that they know exactly what they want in the bedroom. Nana wants to make sure I don’t break her hip.
I have to admit that things are getting serious. Last night, after our Thursday bridge game with Marge and Nellie, she told me she loved me. That I was more than “like a grandson” to her. I broke down and told her she was more than “like a grandmother” to me.
We’re going to celebrate with a bus trip to the mall where they have that magical train ride.
But before that, I have to tell Dylan. The sneaking around is killing me, especially now that we’re ready to take our relationship to the next level.
That is, if the nursing home will let me move in.
Sincerely,
YOUNG CUB
**************
Dear YOUNG CUB,
It’s great you found real love, and I hope you have months of happiness before she forgets who you are. My own wife was 78 years older than me. We only had a year together before she died at 103, and although she was also my great, great aunt, I still had to be gentle when announcing our relationship to the family. You sound like a sensitive guy. Dylan would be lucky to have you as his new Papa.