an absurd collection of misguided characters

selected writings

Man Struggles To Cope As Local Café Introduces New No-Tech Policy

I see a gal reading, but not on her phone! She’s got a book. I didn’t know they made those anymore. She looks a bit like my oldest daughter – Francine or Francis or something like that…

Overwhelmed Mom of 3 Confirms That Cleaning House Is Indeed Easier Said Than Done

I watched a bunch of cleaning tips on TikTok yesterday which were really inspiring. Especially the one on how to get 14-day old cereal off a stainless steel sink. I’m eager to try it, just not today…

It’s Your Upstairs Neighbour Explaining the Sounds You Heard Last Night That Were Definitely Not Murder

That was just us playing hide and seek. She managed to stay concealed for over three hours, squeezing herself and a kitchen knife into a storage box at the back of the guest room closet…

I’m A 37-Year-Old Man, And I’m Concerned That I Have To Stop Sitting On Mom’s Lap

So we always had this special connection. She calls me her “big little man” and lights up whenever she sees me. When I cuddle with her, I can easily forget my wife’s simmering resentment...

To the Woman in Front of Me Who Has Been Bagging Her Groceries Since The Big Bang

Cans on the bottom, it’s about time. But all in one bag? You’re lifting the bag and gauging its heft, and of course it weighs more than the tombstone I’m currently googling...

Man Spoils His Wedding Day By Waking Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed

The chicken was dry and Sam kept wanting to hand-feed me her asparagus. She looked at me in horror when I slapped her fork away. “Babe, is it true that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed?”, she whispered...

Who Wants Mom?

Mom clearly can’t live with me. Yes, I’m in a four-bedroom luxury penthouse, but the extra rooms are taken up for my home office, personal gym, and Mitzy, my teacup chihuahua...

I’m In Love With My Best Friend’s Grandmother

I’ve been best friends with Dylan forever, but it wasn’t until his grandpa died that I realized how hot his grandmother is. And I know she’s 87, but nowadays they say age doesn’t matter...

Dude, Watch Me Rawdog My Day

My dinner dishes from last night are still in the sink. I wash them without any water. Or dishcloth. I try to pick the burnt grease off with my nail, but I have to spit on the plate to loosen it...