Hey Clare,
It’s me, Greg, from upstairs. I hope we didn’t keep you awake last night.
Boy, this heat, eh? Val and I were having so much trouble sleeping. They say that extreme heat can make people anxious, irritable, and prone to bludgeoning their partners of 17 years.
Crazy right? Not us, of course.It feels just like yesterday I was working on forgiving Val after she confessed to a three-year affair with her office receptionist. And while we may have had a few other hiccups along the way, like my impotence and her oxy addiction, now our only vice is having too much FUN when we can’t sleep.
That scream you may or may not have heard? Definitely not the sound of someone shrieking in fear.
That was just us playing hide and seek. She managed to stay concealed for over three hours, squeezing herself and a kitchen knife into a storage box at the back of the guest room closet.
But she eventually came out, thinking I had gone, which is when I popped out from behind the bedroom door. The clatter you likely heard was just the knife falling to the floor.
We then did a bit of play fighting, which probably sounded like some big struggle to you. But did Val not tell you she’s learning Brazilian Jiu-Jiitsu? I assure you we were just practicing some simple shoulder locks and scissor sweeps.
At one point there may have been a few repetitive thuds followed by a wet cracking sound. Definitely not the sound of a ball peen hammer inflicting blunt force trauma!
If you swore you heard me talking on the phone after that, well I’m impressed by your sharp ears! I realize it was late, but the wrestling reminded me of my brother and the fact that I never did return his call from earlier this month. He’s a night owl, so I invited him over, figuring he probably couldn’t sleep either.
The dragging sound was just me sliding a mattress along the floor in case he decided to stay.
I made us some nice cold drinks when he got here. I hope the blender didn’t bother you, it made a powerful VRRRRRRRR sound. Definitely not the sound of a chainsaw cutting through nerves, tendons and rock-hard cortical bone!
Val would have called you instead but she left with my brother. She’s been looking to get away for a nice long rest so I asked him to offload her at the ferry. I have no idea when she’ll be back.
The thumping you may have heard on the stairs was just him lugging her suitcases. They were weighed down with seven pairs of shoes and a travel iron. Definitely not a chopped-up corpse jammed into a Samsonite Voltage DLX 2-Piece Set.
Anyhow, just wanted to say sorry if we were loud. I’ll be seeing you around. My plan for today is to sand my hardwood floors and unclog my drain. In case you hear any strange noises.